The Runaway

What do you call something which keeps going on in your head for the longest possible time? repetition.

What do you when the same thought circles back into your head time and time again? An endless cycle.

What do you do when there is respite from it? When you want to scream and shout but all words inside have died and all that comes out of you is air. 

Who do you run to when you're the one everyone runs to? Who becomes your person? Who do you cry to when you are the person everyone is used to seeing happy?

Here's a funny thing about human beings, they think that it's really the end of the world when something they think doesn't happen their way. I'ts almost always just a small thing, there is always a way around it and you can change things  around and make it even better, but they will always look for validations from others, confirming one fact after other, until everything they do is simply a result of what others think they need to do, as opposed to being their own choice.

Even as I'm saying all of this to you, I'm sure that you've already heard this, from several people, over the longest possible time. But, here is the catch, what happens when you are the person who preaches this to everyone yet fails to follow it themselves? Is it because you're afraid that what worked for everyone else may not work for you? Or you want someone to come and save you the trouble of taking an actual decision, to make things easier for you? whichever it may be, it is not going to easy.

It's hard. It's difficult. It's gut wrenching to see the people you've successfully help fail miserably at cheering you up. They repeat the same encouraging words you told them, tell you the same things you asked them to do and they don't even think that it is a big deal because they've always known you to be strong and they know that you will get through this really soon. But who can understand that when the person who's been holding everything up for so long finally falls apart, they don't do it in pieces or do it slowly, over time, instead; he crash and burn like a huge explosion. It happens rapidly in one piece severing every part of them.

What do you do when you're used to being the voice of reason, the one who spouts hope and reason to others? the ray of sunshine and optimism? How do you tell people that you don't feel like being positive or happy and cheerful today, how do you let them know that there are days when you don't practice what you preach and that even though you are the one giving hope to another person, secretly, you don't even know where do you get some for yourself. Where do you go when the voices inside your head become too loud to ignore? Do you sit and suffer in silence so it can only keep getting louder and finally render you deaf? Or you start disturbing it by filling it with more noise? How do you make logical decisions where your mind is confused and misled? How will you be correct when everything seems so wrong? How do you explain all of your thoughts when you can't understand them?

It becomes hard to even be around people. Social interactions become forced and friends become a barrier you want to cut free and run from. You lose people on the way, even when you want to hold them close to you. You wish you could tell them how everything was a flurry of activity right now and how you didn't know where you wanted to go. You wish you could do a lot of thing but you can't.

Where do you go when you no longer want to follow your heart? Where will you look for guidance and advice? Who will give you signs and directions? How do you learn to ignore the one thing that burns so brightly inside you? How do you kill something that makes you feel so alive?

Who do you run to when the one you really want to run to is running away from you?

Who do you run to when you want to run away from "yourself"?