Things that keep me up.....

TICK. TOCK. TICK. TOCK.

The only thing that resounds in the silence of the night is that dreaded clock that just won't stop turning no matter how much I want it to. And just like that,  try and try but never seem to switch off the endless stream of impulses that keep going inside my head no matter what I try to keep the floodgates from opening.

People always assume that if you're talking about things you can't get out of your head, these are the ones which end up being the bad ones. My family thinks so, my friends think so, people I don't even know think so. I've never been one to share the intricacies of my head a lot, not unless there was any way that I could survive without bringing them out. And it's worked brilliantly so far. It seems that adulthood has put an end to it. The pressure to bring my A-game to the "grown up" party has made the firing chambers inside the delicate brain jump up and shoot up and fire away at a breakneck speed. And I can't control it. I'm trying to, but this time, they just won't stay silent.

You've ever had this happen to you? Adulting is difficult I tell you.

There are three words they tell you and you're supposed to know them, understand them and conquer them as a part of adulting. These words come as different to every person out there, but they're always out there.You want to know what they are for me?

LOVE. PURPOSE. LIFE.

How do you expect a newbie to find out all about these words and conquer them, I have no idea. But I sure do know that these won't let me sleep at night.

Let's start with the first one.

It's not just about the word love. If anything I've learnt so far, it is that love isn't just romantic or platonic. It's not a silver-lining either. It's there. Just there. Sometimes, too thoughtful,sometimes just practical; like a growing feeling or a fleeing moment; man and woman or just two people there in the moment. It's just everything that incompletes the complete and vice-versa.It's a thought to process.

I don't understand. I don't really understand how exactly it works. I fear to believe that love happens too quickly. And I fear to say that it takes time. Because honestly, I have seen love on the spur of the moment and I have seen people taking time to be in love. I fear to screw it up, And so I fear to talk of it. But I really think that the things I fear the most have already happened to me. Like love. And I don't know how to go back to the time when it didn't.

The second one seems to be the easiest one, doesn't it?

They tell you that you come with a purpose in life. I feel we spend our entire lifetime looking for it. People demand a lot from you. first, they ask you to be a person fit to be in the society. Then, they ask you to be educated enough to know how to say the right words and do the right things. and then they ask you to be worth something so that they can be proud of you. And you don't want to let them down. So, you bust yourself, bleed yourself dry trying to come up with something that shuts them up. And once the haze clears up and the voices die down, you forget what it was to be free from the expectations of others. Purpose is just another that people use to make you just like them. and I'm not ready just yet to be cast in their molds.

I saved the best for the last.

I'm not sure there is anyone I know who'd be able to help me here. The terror of doing the best you can to make a life worth remembering has castigated everyone. And why do we do it? so we can be happy, right? It took me a long time to realize that you can do everything right and still end up unhappy. You can say the right things, do exactly as you're told, follow in the footsteps of all those who swore by their success and use their strategy, and you can still end up dislodged. everyday, I drown myself in all the "shoulds"- the guidelines, the advice, the tips and the ideas. And I messed up. I made mistakes everyday. I still make them everyday. I hurt people, but more than that, I got hurt everyday.

I don't think that I've reached any closer to understanding these words than I was yesterday. But yesterday, I decided to gift myself the right to listen to myself first. And this could be the best gift I give myself. I know that self discovery isn't comfortable, or miraculous. It can get confusing, and gritty, and definitely ugly. It's insanely difficult to confront yourself, and to be the person who doesn't become a success right off the bat. But I have hope.

I hope that it will push me towards figuring out what my personal version of happiness looks like. I hope it can help me grow on my own terms, figuring out what matters to me, carving my way, living life on my terms.I hope to become a person I've always wanted to be, rather than the one I was always told to be.Because if there's anything that I can take back from all the things that I've done that I wish I didn't, This is what I take back- Life is about making me proud on my own terms. It's about finding a happiness that works for me.

And I will get there. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon enough.