And it felt a lot like LOVE

"Wo ek shaks jo mere paas raha bhi nahi, 

Wo khud ko dur kabhi mujhse kar saka bhi nahi."

                                                                                                                  -Shamim Abbas

It's late. And I'm awake. I read somewhere that if you can't sleep, it must be because you're up in someone's dreams. And I wonder if it's true. Is it really?

I know you're not thinking about me. And I want to believe otherwise, but I think it's my fault.

Sometimes, I wish that I'd never actually met you. Sounds harsh, right? Especially when our first date wasn't that bad. You were funny, and smart, and sweet, and you pretended to be interested in me and the things I loved. You were nice and genuine, things that are charming, for me. I'd never actually met anyone like you before. And I still haven't. And I hate myself for that.

I haven't met anyone I like as much as you in a really long time. It's always taken me so many bad first dates, so many uncomfortable conversations, so many irritating messages, so much of disappointment, before I find someone who I click with. So when I find them, They're valuable to me. I work hard to find them, and that means I'm excited to see them again, to learn more, to feel all fluttery and hope that I make them feel the same way too. Somewhere, I always knew that if you only tried, you could have almost anyone eating out of your hand, but it was never like that for me. I had something to lose.


So when I got to know that this was only for a couple months, I felt like I was wasting my time. We could still have something, but I knew that this meant I had to go through so many bad dates and broken hopes and long nights alone before I find someone I could enjoy being around. It was going to be a long time before I would be me again. And I didn't want that. I didn't want something temporary, only to be forgotten the next day and left behind. I wanted someone who would care for me the way I did. I wanted to be remembered like the relationships they talk about in the books. Somewhere I didn't have to remind myself to pull back each time because it will inevitably end. I wanted to believe in happy endings once more. I knew everything.

Knowing all that, I said yes to the second date. And to every date after that.

A part of me always hoped that I was wrong, that you would look at me, see me and decide to be there. A part of me always hoped that even if  I had these few months, they would be enough for you to come back to me in some way, and stay. That these months will make me see the world in a different way, even if it did kill me in the end. And kill me you did.

Because you were the guy I always fantasized about but never actually believed existed. I didn't think it was possible to have someone who checks off every single box, to be somewhere you don't settle, don't compromise. You're intelligent, and kind, and you see the good in things without being blinded by irrational positivity or cynicism. You knew what it was like to not be okay. You didn't have everything figured out, but you were decisive, and funny, and oh so gorgeous in every other way that it was hard to look at you.

You were a habit I never really wanted to change. An attachment that remained for a long time and I don't think I can ever get over you, Not in totality anyway. Memories of you strike me out of the blue sometimes. Sometimes, it makes me smile. Sometimes it makes me wonder how life would have been if things hadn't changed. And sometimes, just sometimes, it makes me wish for a future with you. But I know you're not there. And you never will be. I knew that the day you left, I would never be whole again. So I started to hasten the process, Hoping that it would hurt less, feel less. I distanced you so you would have a better life. But that never made any of this easy. I came out with a gaping hole, and I don't know how to fill it up. They say that if something is supposed to happen in your life, Nothing will ever stop it. Is it wrong for me to hope that you be my "Something"?

But I don't regret it. I don't regret any of it. Because at one point in my life, you were exactly what I needed, right what I wanted, what I thought was best for me. just like Nicholas Sparks says,"The first time you fall in love, it changes you forever and maybe how hard you try, you can never be the same person again." And maybe, just maybe, you don't ever want to come back to it. Somehow we got to grow up together. It didn't last, as much as I still want it to, but it made me smile nevertheless. I'll always keep you with me, even when you're not there. I still want to ask you everything. I want to talk to you about everything in your life. I still want to ask how your love life is. I want to ask if it really felt that bad to leave me behind. Because I feel like hell froze over the day you left.

But it's okay. Because I understand. I understand why we can't say something as simple as a "hello". What we had was not something many people experience. What we had was something that was rare and sacred. We were probably once in a lifetime.

Maybe what we had is long gone. Maybe what we had is just a fragmented memory for you. Maybe you rarely think about it. Maybe you rarely think about me. And I tried to leave you behind, I really did, but I couldn't.

You are perfect, and I can't have you. You finally don't want me and you're not staying. I'll have to go through it all over again and try to believe that eventually I'll find someone like you who does actually want me till the end Right now, I don't believe that I can, or that if I do it is going to take me ages. I'll be alone, and still, it's you I want. today, tomorrow, and every day after that. The rejection hurts like my heart being ripped out, but even more than that, I'm scared that I won't find anyone else like you and you've ruined me forever. You've ruined falling in love for me. You're too perfect, and not having met you would have been so much better.

I wouldn't know if days are as stormy as they were when I'd been around or better, but no matter what, you have survived. So, in the grand scheme of things, you are probably doing better - listening to great music, watching great movies and drawing (sketching and thinking of)amazing pictures.

I hope you still have a hard time deciding over the most trivial things and obsessing over them, make pathetic (and sometimes great) jokes, and look as pretty as you have always looked. But I know that I would never know any of this ever, maybe.

Maybe in another world, I'd want everything to align, so that we could last, last in whatever way we could ever have been. You should know that we are miles away from where we'd once been, but I will never actually stop loving you. And even when I'm asked about you years from now, I'll still give them the same answer. I would still say yes, everyday.

Has it really been that long? Will you really ever speak to me?