The Tightening Gyre

"Turning and Turning in the widening gyre/ The falcon cannot hear the falconer;
Things fall apart; the center cannot hold/ Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world,
The blood-dimmed tide is loosed, and everywhere the ceremony of innocence is drowned"

These are the opening lines to Second coming, a poem by Yeats I hadn't really come across. But ever since I have a few weeks back, all I can do is imagine a spiral pushing me in, gripping me so tight that all I see and feel around me is it, nothing breaks it apart. It feels as though an ongoing entity has crippled me to think, feel and be it. And to think that a few weeks before this, I was blissfully unaware of anything like this, of feeling like this.

The poem keeps hinting at the second coming. It says that the second coming is at hand. It conjures the image of a beast inching its way towards a destination to torture man. Several people will say this is man's insecurities taking form and building up into an ugly version that needs to be cleaned out to be rid of it forever. But, can you really rid yourself of the things that you bring forth? Is that even you?

the mind is a curious beast in itself. It gives you hope and makes you believe. It leads you on paths that you were never supposed to explore. And when it snaps, it creates a veritable minefield that explodes at the slightest sign of trouble. fascinating, isn't it? I think that is probably why it is very difficult for people to ever realize what their mind does. For is it really even you? would you ever want yourself to be so riddled by self-doubt that even the simplest of things feel impossible to you?

I have never been able to tell people what I think about. As a potent overthinker, it is quite a problem. My mind conjures up images and entire storylines with vicious details, none of which is pretty. And then, it keeps festering, gnawing at me until all I hear, all I see, all I think about is that. It is quite difficult to tell people you care about, that, you are a prisoner in your own head. I'm sure a lot of them would think that I was doing this just to find some sympathy. So, I stay silent. I let my thought invade every corner of my head. And once that becomes unbearable, I let the pressure out by talking to someone who doesn't know me that well. Because it is easier to tell people who don't know you some details about the baggage that you carry around.

People tell me that I am a happy person. They tell me that I seem very positive. And maybe, I am. I tell people that they need to brave the storm. I ask them to stay calm in the face of adversaries. I give them the right advice and stay right beside them through the tough breaks in life. I love to do that. I don't think I would ever change that about myself. I hope I have been able to help people out when they needed someone and supported them when there weren't a lot of people helping them out.

As much as that sounds positive, the difficulty that such a situation presents is that when I find myself in a tricky situation, this is not something that I do. My invasive thoughts, usually self-deprecating, humiliating things I hate about myself, invade my mind, and I find myself in a free fall of sorts, the eye of a whirlpool that keeps tightening its grip on me. my problems start out large and slowly churn themselves, turning and turning until they take my form. Now, it is me. I am not separate from my problem. I am my problem.

That brings forth a cascade of reactions. everything I do is overanalyzed. All my decisions become worthless. I fall deep into the spiral which becomes my own undoing. I push people I love. But, I am getting better. I know that people care for me and would love to help me out. But, I would also like them to let me figure these roadblocks on my own. I will come back to my senses. The anxiety will subside and I will be able to see clearly. There is hope for me. I may not become a billionaire, but I will become a decent human being.

Sometimes, all you can do for someone you love is the stick by them, silently. Because the only thing to do when you see your loved one retreating into their own shells is to wait for them to come back to you. You need to give them a safe space to get okay with the things happening around them or the disappointments they face in life. Trust them to come back to you and care for them. Make sure that you don't become one from the crowd that rubs their noses in their failures. Love them and build them back up so they can do great things.