Why did nobody tell me this?

When I first started going to school, I was told that it would prepare me for everything. I was 6 years old then and all I needed to know was how to read all the books that I saw older children carrying with them, apart from a few other things. When I was slightly older (that older kid), I was told to keep my head down and learn well because I was being educated to be able to function in the world. Of all the inane things I did learn in school, something nobody bothered to teach me was how to deal with the failures and transgressions that would inevitably be a part of my life.

But, I'm learning. I'm slowly learning that I don't have to react to everything that bothers me. I'm slowly learning that I don't have to hurt those who hurt me. I'm slowly learning that maybe the ultimate sign of maturity is walking away from things that seem troubling instead of getting even. I'm slowly learning that the energy it takes to react to every bad thing that happens to you drains you and stops you from seeing the other good things in life. I'm slowly learning that I'm not going to be everyone's cup of tea and I won't be able to get everyone to treat me the way I want to be treated and that's okay. I'm slowly learning that trying so hard to 'win' people is just a waste of time and energy and it fills you with nothing but emptiness.

Because the truth is - genuine connection is ease. It is peace. When you find it you will know. You will feel seen, you will feel like you are being mirrored back to yourself like you are covering the shadow of your own heart in another person. The most precious, important thing that you have in your life is your energy. It is not your time that is limited, it is your energy. What you give each day is what you will create more and more of in your life. What you give your time to is what will define your existence. When you realize this, you'll begin to understand why you're so anxious when you spend your time with people who are wrong for you, and in jobs or places or cities that are wrong, too. You'll begin to realize that the foremost important thing you can do for your life and yourself and everyone you know is to protect your energy more fiercely than anything else. Make your life a safe haven in which only people that have the capacity to care and listen and connect are allowed. You are not responsible for saving people. You are not responsible for convincing them they want to be saved. It has never been your job to give up your life and show up for people because you feel bad, because you "should", because you're obligated, because, at the root of it all, you're afraid to not be liked back. You're just scared that you will be alone. You need to realize that you're deserving of real friendship, true commitment, and complete love with people who are healthy and thriving. and once you do, all you need to do is wait, just for a little bit - and then watch how quickly everything begins to change.

It's a simple fact of life but we often like to complicate it -  those who care for you will show it and those who miss you will say it. It's not always black and white, I understand, but if you have to constantly question someone's intentions or wonder if that person misses you or loves you, then the answer is clearer than you think. Those who care will not let time pass by without letting you know that you are important to them. We make it complicated by giving them excuses or blaming their ego or their pride, but I have seen people who brushed everything aside because the person meant more to them than their ego and was more important to them than their pride. I've seen people constantly show up and reach out against all odds and I've seen people go the extra mile just to be there for someone. Now, it's time to stop extending yourself to those who don't even try. It's time to take people off the pedestal when they can go months or years without talking to you. It's time to stop taking it personally because you are not supposed to measure your self-worth based on someone's inability to love you right or show up for you. You are not supposed to settle for breadcrumbs either, so don't let anyone fool you into believing that they don't have time or they're busy or they're too afraid to reach out. These people can give so much more and it's not your job to make them realize that.

And when you begin loving the right people, you will come to realize that the human beings who are meant for you in this world will not exhaust you, hollow you out, or leave you feeling like you are hard to love. Slowly, you will come to realize that you do not have to romanticize the things in life that hurt. You do not have to run towards the fire. Love does not have to feel like a fight, does not have to feel like a battle, and does not have to wound. Slowly, you will learn how to walk away from those who will only ever love you in halves. You will learn that you cannot love someone into loving you, or being ready if they are not.  You cannot close their hands around your heart if they are not willing to hold it themselves. You have to let them go. You have to focus on the people in your life who bring you back home to yourself. You have to focus on standing up for that kind of connection, on honoring that calm, because it exists. It exists.

And I really hope that you learn to trust that because when you come across it when you ultimately experience it, it feels as if you are standing at a door you finally have the keys for. You enter it with ease. There is no fumbling through your jacket pocket trying to find the right way in. There is no desperately reaching into your bag trying to uncover the point of access. You are no longer banging your fists against the door, asking to be invited in. You walk through. Soundlessly. Softly. Relief washes over you. You take off your shoes. You hang your coat in the closet. You put on a pot of coffee. You're home. 

YOU'RE HOME.  

It took me time, people, and several years' worth of experience to gather so much but I'm slowly learning that not reacting doesn't mean I'm okay with things, it just means I'm choosing to rise above them. I'm choosing to take the lesson it has served and learn from it. I'm choosing to be the bigger person. I'm choosing my peace of mind because that's what I truly need. I don't need more drama. I don't need people making me feel like I'm not good enough. I don't need fights and arguments and fake connections. I'm slowly learning that sometimes not saying anything at all says everything.

I had nobody that took the time to tell me why things were going wrong and all of the other ways in which they would eventually go wrong in the future as well. I had no one to turn around to for advice. But I hope this gives you the much-needed support you need. I'm around, and I want to be 'that' person for you.