A girl of her own

 " Girls don't heal. We might look like we are all better, but if you look closely, we are covered in concealer."

Yes, we cry over friends who changed, and yet we won't take them back. The memories of all the people we once loved keep us awake and still, we paint our lips in Fuschia pink all the time. We promise ourselves not to make the same mistake thrice (twice is our default setting) and somehow we circle back to wet pillows and eye bags in 5 weeks. We believe in second chances and we believe in people limiting themselves to second chances only. We fall in love with the boy on the subway because he uses a bookmark like us, or rolls his sleeves up when he is trying to be romantic. We are tempted to live our lives in the sequels of our favorite rom-coms but can never be launchpad-ready for a dramatic breakup. We protect, we hold, we comfort and we envelop the people who mean everything to us. No one can ever know that we are still healing from the things we can't say out loud because concealing is not limited to just our faces, it stains our hearts.

A girl who is used to being on her own will be unlike any other girl who you will ever love. That much is guaranteed. She'll be the toughest nut to crack and her walls will be built up the highest. Because for so long they were just that: her walls. They're part of a world that she built entirely on her own, and while they are in some part protection, they're also just as much a source of her identity. They're the encompassing shell of a place she made, a life she built, a world that belongs to nobody but her. And while it protects her, maintains her, and keeps her safe, it's also simply, just what she knows.

So finding space for someone else is going to be hard for her, it's going to be a challenge. A girl who is used to being on her own will probably say that she "doesn't need you". She'll spout variations of "I can do it myself "Don't worry about it" and "I've got this shit handled" so often that she'll begin to sound like a one-woman, independent broken record. And to a certain extent, it's all true. She probably can do it herself, you don't need to worry about it, and she's got this shit handled. But just because she can do it herself, just because realistically she probably doesn't need you, doesn't mean she doesn't want you. Just because she's got this, doesn't mean she doesn't want you watching her handle it. Just because she can walk the road alone, doesn't mean she wouldn't enjoy your company. 

See, the truth about being on your own is that after a while, being on your own becomes your comfort, becomes your safe space. There's reliability in answering to only yourself, to only minding yourself, to only worrying about yourself. And though at times it can be lonely, It's a softer lonely. It's a loneliness that eventually becomes familiar and almost beautiful. So when someone else comes in and shakes up that world and that loneliness, it's jarring. It's a shake-up not only to her world, but to her routine, and to what she knows. And so, for a while, there's going to be some adjustment. There's going to be some ebb and flow, some give and take. There's going to be some fear on her end. Not only because she'll be tentative to let you into her world, to let you scale those walls, to invite you into a life that was previously only hers.

But there will also be the fear that if she does let you in, and trust you, she'll stop being comfortable on her own, and only be comfortable with you. And that intrinsic fear of comfort brings the question, "What do I do if they leave me?". So, when you love a girl who is used to being on her own, you're loving a girl who is scared by the possibility of ever having to relearn how to do that. you're saying, "Please let me in" while she says," Please don't go". There's an ease to being on your own once you get used to it, but that ease is usually an uphill battle, an incredibly difficult journey, and she absolutely dreads the possibility of having to do it again. So when this happens to you, please be prepared to stay. Be ready to hold her hand when she says ' I can do this' and respond with 'But I can help'. Be ready to learn about her life, and her world, and find a way to respect it while still being a part of it. Be ready to scale the walls she's built around herself and her heart, and be ready to never worry about what's going on outside of them. 

Because when you finally admit that you love her when you really do, she'll be ready to never let you go.