Things I overthink about- Part 1

Have you ever looked at your reflection in the mirror and literally talked to yourself like you were a projection? criticizing every move you've made in your chaotic life, dissecting it like critics do the chef's food when it reaches their table? I have. And I am about to tell you about one such terrible exchange between me and my troubled reflection in the mirror. I was a famous critic tearing apart my own life choices. Because that is exactly what Overthinking makes you do.

I started simple. exclaimed about my poor prospects in the career and how I was doing absolutely nothing to keep up with the stiff competition right in my own vicinity. and then, things got personal. I started dissecting my poor quality of decisions when it comes to love, or lack of it. I started with my insane insecurity, then my terrible need to feel valued, and.................let me tell what became of that conversation.

If you fall in love with me, I would destroy you. Not just bones, but the soul too. Torment and kill you. Start our journey in the garden of love, down to the dungeons of self-loathing. After all, whatever I touch surely dies.

It'll start with those innocent good mornings and good night texts- I'll tell you how much your texts make me smile. I'll stay on the top of your chat lists, remind you of my existence even when I'm not around. I'll take you out on a walk- hold your hand tight, intertwine our fingers. I'll imprint my marks on your hands, and if someone else holds your hand in future, you will think of this moment. You will be living in the present, yet your thoughts will be focused on the past, on me. I would wrap you around me and promise to make all your dreams come true. My words would be such that if the next girl held you close and whispered these things, you would push her away. You'll always think of my promises. You'll see me, not her, never her. We would go out on dates. And I would do everything to make them memorable. I'll give you every memory a girl can give her guy. Because, I'll love you madly, deeply, inexplicably. I'll imprint every minute of our dates on your soul, so before you relive another date with someone else, you'll die a little- a little more than yesterday. I'll hold on to you while we bring sunrises together, and hold you close while we see the sunsets. I would kiss you with all I have, Marks all your corners with my kisses. I would mark you- permanently. I would make sure that you don't live, you die. Because you wanted me to love you. And yes, I love you.

Would you still fall in love with me? Think again.

Because people talk about falling in love all the time. There are songs epitomizing this feeling. there are songs about falling out of love as well. But nobody talks about that time when you love, and love at the wrong time. Nobody wants to tarnish their pure, innocent little hearts with the mention of the love that grips you at the wrong time and now, you don't know what to do with it.

Let me tell you what happens next.


when you love someone at the wrong time, The beginning and the end all collide into one big, feisty explosion; and you don't know if this is the start of a mad confusion or just the guilt of the past holding you back from everything. you meet, you talk. you walk, you laugh. Both of you love the company of the other. Yet, each hold on to your personal space. You know that things will change with the slightest of ripples, so you play safe and stick to the way things are.

You keep yourself bound by all the things that you find comfort in yet find a way to get hurt. You love things you can leave and still don't want to bid farewell. you pretend to be okay. You fake a smile. You act completely put together while hoping that this will cancel out the chaos within you. You try, albeit unsuccessfully, to bury all the feelings inside, the sadness you can't explain- not because you want to make people believe that you're happy, but to be less of a burden on others.

I try to be myself. I try to love my flaws and think that they are a mark of beauty. But all I can think of is how I make everything turn bad. How I try and I try but nothing ever seems to ripen in my hands. How everytime I'm close to actually giving myself up, I always falter and everything turns to ash. You love me But I will never be deserving of it. Because I'm not the girl you think I am.

My Life is flawed, But I'm far from beautiful.

My arms are scarred, And these don't seem to heal.

My mind is a maze of all the people I escaped and all the ones I left midway.

My feet seem to write their own story and I run every time I feel that I brought the darkness in.

Would That be enough? Would that ever satisfy someone?

You're better off without me.